Incident in the Conversion of John M. Yoder

Written by himself previous to his death.

March. Monday 17th, 1862. Today I had school. This evening A. R. Horne commenced his protracted meeting in the Zion's Church and prolonged three evenings. I remember the time last summer when I went up with him to church from Quakertown on Saturday afternoon which was the day he started his class in the Catechism. I was attending school at Quakertown and on Saturday I used to go home. I was attending school before haymaking and I felt uneasy in regard to religion. I was attending the lectures he gave there at church and school for I felt it my duty to do something. One of the scholars joined the church that spring. The idea was also in my head but the time arrived to be taken in and I stayed back knowing that I was yet in my sins, no peace with God, but I could not rest for I considered my condition a dangerous one. Then I concluded to join the church after harvest, told my parents of the matter. They offered a few objections, yet said I was of age. I should do as I think best. I mentioned the matter to a few companions who stood the same as I did. They confessed their condition was not right and seemed to be uneasy too but I concluded to join the church at Quakertown, mentioned the matter to Rev. Horne, he said he had no class any more till spring that I thought was put[t]ing it away too far. He then said he would start a class at Zion's Church. I should come here. I spoke again to my young friends about it and we concluded to go. I was still attending school at Quakertown and I went along up with him to church. We spoke of the matter how the churches were etc. I told him I could not make myself at home where every thing was so cold etc for I like preaching oftener than every four weeks and also protracted meetings and prayer meetings and I knew that he would introduce these branches as he also told me. Then got the books and went into the class and then Levi Young, Sam'1 Landis, Catherine Schleifer and Elizabeth Bleam also commenced to go. Then we went awhile but these boys seems to become uneasy in regard to baptism. They thought immersion was the right way to baptize, according to the Bible, and also infant baptism they could not— Then the protracted meetings at Gehman's commenced and they attended that and found peace through Jesus' blood with their God. But I still continued but had much resistance also of my parents. They thought that Rev. Horne would not do his duty on us and we would be taken in as members of the church and that would be all. We would not get peace with our God. These girls also continued but Catharine Schleifer would also have left

us had their parents left her go. They thought that she commenced this and should continue on. Her father requested me to take her down and as I did and also Elizabeth Bleam. Yet I often went that I felt deep in regard to my salvation. This question often occurred to me "What shall I do?" The time came to be taken in church and I am not prepared. I often thought of the hour. Fear and trembling almost came over me and this question again "What shall I do?" I took the girls down and home every time towards last but we hardly spoke a word on the way. My father told me again I might get peace, once when this meeting was at Gehman's he meant to say, but I stood myself in the way. Now I would not get pardon of my sins. Time was near at hand and we would be taken in and become dead members of the church. This was again hard on me. I did not know what to do. I thought I could not stop going yet I thought I would not get prepared. Rev. Horne was going to have church in the evening the last week that still gave me a little comfort. I thought I might get peace yet perhaps. As the last week arrived I felt very sick but I had school. Still the evening came I took those girls down again but we had very little talk and comfort for they were as sick as I (I believe Levi Young was here last Sunday when I seen him come. I felt I can't say how but it was somewhat like that I would leave home till he was going again. Again I thought it would not do but I knew he would speak in regard to my salvation & and I could not answer and so he did too but I took it as easy as I could but felt bad for he soon found that I had no comfort and hope for an eternal rest. After dinner they went to the meeting at Gehman's but I went to Coopersburg in Rev. Strass' church. Levi Young spoke to father in going over to the meeting that noon he wished that I would get peace with my God for he had to say yet that he came so far or at least I gave him the start for I spoke to him about joining the church & and he commenced then that gave him the start. Father told me this again. But it seems to me always they want me to leave the church down here and join this church where they are & and this I could not.

Tuesday 18th. I had school again but I did not feel much like teaching for I was sick at heart for the time came so near and no comfort yet in the evening. We went down again to church and he spoke very attracting words that I could not forget. He said in fifty years from today this voice will call you no more to come to Jesus; this hand will wink you no more for it will then moulder in the grave etc. I spoke a little to the girls that were along with me about the sermon & on our way home but I still had no hope for a future bliss consequently I could comfort them very little. Monday evening father and mother were down too. They thought made or preached not as [space] as he ought. He spoke of the duty of parents to their children today.

Wednesday 19th. I had no school. This forenoon I was at the funeral. Chas. Hillegas was buried. Rev. Hess held the funeral sermon here at the meeting house. I cannot express how I felt today. I went down to the meeting house all alone considering and had deep thoughts. The funeral was not there yet. I went down towards the school house at that of the grave yard. I went in and standing there a little while with a few others. David Young came then to talk to me but I did not feel like talking much. I went to the grave then. Emma was standing there, spoke a few words, then I passed up to the meeting house. The funeral came. Before they were there I spoke a little with M. Landis and Charles S. Gehman about our evening church etc. When they carried him in they sang a hymn and I thought it went so solemn as they went down to the grave. I passed in front of the meeting house. The sun was shining very warm and pleasant there. Then I heard them sing at the grave that I thought sounded so solemn again. David Schleifer came to talk a few words but passed in did not disturb me much. I was there alone again listening and considering. As they came up from the grave I went in the house but I cannot say how I felt. After the sermon was over I went home. At the table my parents commenced again but I could not refrain any longer. I then told them I knew this for a long time that I was not what I ought to be but they had not done their duty on me neither assisted me much in this since I was studying my Catechism but often greaved me in heart with these words, now you will be taken in church as a dead member if you don't get forgiveness of your sins get converted and mother once told me give it up it is good for nothing etc. As I told them this at the table and more yet they said it matters not where a person is or to what church he belongs etc. It seemed so to me with them for they only been with me a few times and at these times I told them yet they should go etc. And then I said if they had gone hand in hand with me I could have went with pleasure so I had to go with grief and went to the barn and wept bitterly after while. I went in then Catharine Schleifer was here. Father got a book commenced to sing with us. At first I thought I could not sing for my heart was not filled with the love of God but I commenced to sing although it was against the will of my flesh and blood. Then he prayed with us upon his bended knees. I went to the Station. Then Rev. Horne promised me to come up this evening but unfortunately it happened that he could not come. When I came back Catharine Schleifer was going home. I then in my troubles went up stairs and prayed. After supper I went down church all alone on my carriage but I must say I felt an inward joy in my soul yet before I was at the church it was all gone. I could not listen to the sermon got sleepy etc (which I seldom do in church). I must believe it was nothing but a temptation of Satan who strives hard to keep souls from eternal happiness. I went home again with a heavy heart and considering the time was so near at hand only a day yet time for on Friday he was going to ask us each one separate and to give my name and join the church with my sins and troubles. I could not possibly do I thought for I knew that my companions received peace and pardon of their sins through Jesus' blood and to join a church and be baptized etc. I could not possibly do without a new heart as Rev. Horne said that we must get new hearts for no one could enter into the kingdom of heaven unless he be born again and if I join the church in my sins I make of myself a child of hell twofold more th[a]n I am now thought I.

Thursday 20th. I had school again in the morning as we had sung our hymn and read our chapter in the Bible or part of it I prayed different and longer th[a]n usual. When I was through the children looked at me and I felt ashamed. I don't know why but I told them to get their lessons and learn them and as I was at teaching again I got along quite well. I had my attention more to them I hear and so on. But in the evening it came again the time so much nearer only one night time. When I dismissed my school I told them we had no school till Monday and as they were gone I closed the shutters on one side of the school house along the road and in front so that no body could see me. Then I prayed a while that God should release me of the burden of my sins that pressed me hard. I thought of going home. I knew that old John Musselman was at Gehman's and that he intended to come to our house and I thought him and father would pray and sing with me. On my way home I met J. Hottel. He worked at our house. I asked him is old Mussehnan at our house. He said no. That was a hard word for me again. Then I thought of going to Levi Young but thinking again I had no chance to talk with him what I would like to etc. for Old Young would not admit of it and thought again of the noise and fuss people would make of it if they would find it out. I concluded to stay at home, got my Commentaries or translations of the Bible, read in them a little, then Gehman came in and indeed I felt glad to see him come. He had a little bucket filled with water said he had a new kind of drink. I should taste it. It was maple sap. It tasted like sugar water but it did not comfort me much. I then got a hymn book said we would sing a few pieces perhaps we could employ the time very well and so we commenced to sing then. I asked him to pray after singing again. Father prayed too and they were with me till nearly 12 o'clock. Then he went home and parents went to bed but I did not feel sleepy. I then went upon my bended knees and prayed I know not how long. When I saw Charles come this evening I felt confident that the hand of God was working for I felt to save my soul and get rid of this burden which pressed so heavy on me. I knew the Lord would not despise those that will come to Him and that he had his servants who work in His vineyard but as they had left me and was all alone praying my heart became filled with the love of God. I could pray with all my heart and feel light and happy all sorrow was away and I could praise God with a pure heart and a living faith. I was engaged all night in singing praying and praising God for what he has done on me. A few minutes I slumbered on the rocking chair but I was so filled with pleasure and happiness in the Lord that I did not go to bed. In the morning when father came I asked him whether he slept well etc and said that I had also a happy night a night which I shall never forget.

Friday 21st. Today we met again at the church and I went with pleasure with a heart light and free every thing even the earth seemed look new to me and I could answer the questions with pleasure. Horne asked us and felt happy. I spoke to these girls that I found my Savior etc and they said they believe that it was so. But they had not found the Savior yet. As we went home from church C. Schleifer wanted to go home with me but feared her parents would not let her, wished me to go and speak to them etc. She then went along with me and E. Bleam also came over to night. We also sang and prayed til about 12 o'clock. They went to bed in the morning. They were up pretty early and we sang and prayed with them and they found their Savior both and we went with pleasure down church this morning namely, Saturday 22nd. It was snowing and the roads very muddy but we did not mind that. With pleasure we went and were baptized and had holy hours yesterday and today. Rev. Horne prayed with us upon our bended knees and spoke very affectionately to us which I took with pleasure for my soul wanted food. Yesterday I spoke to Horne that some of the members wanted to have prayed for them etc. He said he would attend to it and so he did. Charles Gehman also prayed on Friday with us. Father was down too.

March Sunday 23rd 1862. This morning it was pleasant again but the roads very muddy. These girls went along down with me to church. The house was full, more people were there then a long time before from all the parts and directions they came. Rev. Horne had selected for this text these words which the Lord spoke to Peter, "Lovest thou me" and he preached a very interesting sermon. Words fell which I shall never forget and he yet spoke to us in particular and said we should often ask us this question "Lovest thou me." He then gave the Sacrament to the old members first and then to us after all he also took it and said he would also take the Sacrament with us particularly who came to the Lord's table for the first time. So long I stood outside of the church with as it were the light in my hand, knew better but so days and years came and went and still brought me further from my God and the eternal home but as I had another call to come to Jesus. God be blessed I came and found Him whom my soul loveth as it is recorded in the 3rd Chapter Song of Solomon 1. By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth. I sought him but I found him not. 2. I will rise now and go about the city in the streets and in the broad ways. I will seek him whom my soul loveth. I sought him but I found Him not. 3. The watchmen that go about the city found me: to whom I said Saw ye whom my soul loveth? 4. It was but a little that I passed from them but I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him and would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother's house and into the chamber other that conceived me. Amen.

J. M. Yoder

East Allen March 10,1863